do the bonnie tyler's dream of neon cowboys
hello and welcome to we can't rewind we've gone too far a podcast where a scotsman an irishman and
a bulgarian review the most terrible silly s silliest and weirdest as fuck music videos
say hello everyone hi i'm neil i am neil and hi i'm dave in this episode we'll be exploring the
turbulent hero-less times of Bonnie Tyler while she is out there looking for her Hercules.
This is of course the 1984 track holding out for a hero. Such a drama queen isn't she?
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gone
Where's the streetwise
Hercules
The fight's arising on
Isn't there a white night
Upon a fiery sea
Late at night
I'm a person
I turn and I dream
Of what I see
I need a hero
Directed by Doug Dowdle
a person with exactly seven other directorial credits according to IMDB.
This song was written for the soundtrack of the film Footless.
Holding out for a hero was a top 40 hit in several European countries,
as well as Canada and the US,
and it reached number two in the United Kingdom and number one in Ireland.
Big fans over there, apparently.
Why didn't she get number one in the United Kingdom?
Because they have no taste.
I am very excited for this video.
It has it all.
It has sexy cowboys with whips,
dressed all in black,
cracking around their neon whips.
It has reverse.
has a lot of rivers. It has Bonnie Tyler in flowy dresses. It has Bonnie Tyler in flowy
dresses at the top of mountains. It has white horses. It has black horses. Probably has other
colored horses as well. It's a bit of a dark video. You can't really tell. And this is basically
what Michael Bolton was envisioning when he commissioned the video for Say They Loved You,
but failed so spectacularly because he liked everything the song has. Flowy dresses,
a co-angelic all-women choir. And of course, the woman of the hour, Bonnie Tyler.
Best place to start is with the cabin in the woods.
Cabin in the woods.
Red Dead Redemption cabin that's been attacked by some sort of aggressor.
Some sort of team on cowboys.
Terminator cowboys, you think, right?
Yeah, this is my main theory on the video.
It's kind of standard Wild Westy, apart from the fact that the cowboys dressed in black have
neon whips and don't seem to display any emotion.
Oh, you can't really see their faces.
I think you can see mustaches.
That's the only thing I could pick out.
Yeah, there was definitely a mustache or two there.
My theory is, right, neon whips were only there
because I couldn't see them otherwise.
All right.
The video's so dark.
My personal theory is that Bonnie Tyler's quite dream.
There's definitely a bit of that going on.
Don't mean to kink shame Bonnie Tyler, but I think we...
No, no, no one is kink shaming her.
We're stunning her.
I think we may know what it is.
It's a good video overall, though.
I've really enjoyed it.
I'd never really appreciated just how good Bonnie Tyler was
until I watched this for this podcast.
because she's given it fucking 100% throughout,
which is quite impressive
considering some of the shit we've watched recently.
I mean, let's just point out
that she's the first woman singer we're looking at today.
Oh, sorry, in this podcast.
Oh, sure, so is, yeah.
That's a fucking brilliant way to start.
I would be very happy if all women
are like as much of powerhouses as she is.
Fucking amazing podcast to work on.
Maybe just male musicians aren't that good
or their music videos aren't that good.
I mean, Michael Bolton definitely is not.
This would be an interesting trans.
Yeah, well, Michael Pollan was a great example of that.
Yeah, we should maybe keep an eye out
and see if there's any weird similarities
of male music videos being pretty terrible
compared to female leads.
We should keep score somewhere.
I guess it's 1-0 currently then.
Yes, exactly.
Well, we did have Bowie and Jagger.
They were given a similar level of gusto.
Maybe not as stylishly.
That was more goofy old man dancing.
With the rock giants, like...
Just give me a second.
A score that can hear when you press keyboards
doesn't help when our computers are next to each other.
No.
I don't know about you guys,
But when I listen to podcasts, it's usually on the speakers on my phone.
Yeah, I'm usually speaker on my phone or with my headphones when I'm running around trying to avoid the police or the coronavirus.
Just walking around the coronavirus.
Well, they can jump out from behind bushes.
That's why we have to stay alert.
I don't know you guys, but I've heard they carry neon whips.
These viruses are easy to spot and they often ride horses.
Keep your eyes peeled.
That was a very nice segue.
okay so these horses right i mean i i get the horses horses are cool it reminded me of lord
of the rings actually that scene where first one where what's her name live tyler was running away
with uh yeah with frodo oh yeah she's obviously on the white horse black horses everywhere all that
yeah it kind of reminded me of that ahead of its time i was kind of the horses but did it really
make any sense i mean what what was the point of the horses well i actually have an answer to this
uh bonnie tyler has um what's the word for uh she has like horse farm or something stable
Thanks, Scott.
She's got a horse farm.
That's Scott from Dictionary Corner there.
Scott from Dictionary Corner, say hello.
Hello.
But yeah, she has access to a lot of free horses,
but it does make sense in the context of the video.
It's hitting all the cowboy tropes you would see in old cowboy films.
You've got the good guy dressed in white and the bad guys,
bandit-y guys dressed in black on black horses and all that stuff.
And, you know, there's a gunfight where they're all riding along,
shooting each other.
It's just kind of going for the tropes that you would get in a cowboy film.
So what tropes are Neon Whips exactly?
This is the one thing which I do find confusing.
Everything else about it is standard cowboy film stuff apart from that.
My personal theory is that it's sort of a Terminator situation
and she's the Sarah Connor of this video
and they're like the bad Terminators.
And then I guess the guy in white is either
Kyle Reese or a good Terminator or something
because it's only a logical explanation I can think of
for why they would have sci-fi Neon Whips.
That actually, yeah, that might make sense.
I think Terminator was 1984, 1985.
So it'll be similar times as this movie or this fucking song.
So yeah, but then again, where laser's all the trend,
was neon all the trend in 1984?
Probably.
Was Tron out then?
I think that was before.
I might be wrong.
Yeah, 1982.
Okay, okay.
I hear you guys, but just hear my theory.
She's dreaming of those very, very skilled cowboys.
And they're very big, very obvious tools.
So go about Freudian on the podcast.
She's playing me. She's like on her knees half of the video.
It's like some guys walking around her.
Yeah, I did get some serious BDSM vibe.
It's a bit, like you say, she's literally on her knees
and the guys with the whips are just sort of circling her.
I know. It's right.
You know, it's fuck.
I mean, if they're going to shoot her,
they would have just used a gun, right?
So clearly they wanted something else.
Exactly.
If you watch just the first couple of minutes of the video,
you kind of think it's going to go a different way
because the cabin really reminds me of like Evil Dead or something like that.
Because the cabin is like leaping up and down and everything's bursting into flames.
Yeah.
And then it just sort of transitions into standard stinky cowboy affair, if there is a standard for that.
Definitely some channels.
Some websites.
Some corners of the internet.
That we don't know about really, obviously.
We just heard about them.
No, we heard about it on the BBC.
Doesn't know why I went with the BBC for that.
Totally.
No, it's like they even have a scene where one of them, I actually don't know how many of the cowboys,
but definitely one,
walks into her bedroom
and he snaps his whip.
And it's very much like,
okay, that's going places.
Into videos I've never seen, obviously,
but it definitely goes places.
One interesting thing I picked up on
was one minute 47.
I think this might be before
what you're talking about.
Just before she's like rolling around on the bed
and she grabs a picture of
what I think is the cowboy in white.
So I'm trying to figure out if she knew him
or if she's just broken into his house.
and he's like sniffing his bedsheets or something.
That's why he's really pissed off at the end,
just standing over her.
I didn't pick that bit up, actually, with the picture.
Yeah, I only noticed it on like the fifth time I watched it.
I was like, wait a minute.
Because up until that point,
I presumed that the cowboy in white
just sort of was coming to her rescue,
but she appears to already know him or as a stalker.
Well, that would be kind of on brand with the actual lyrics,
wouldn't it?
Because she's just thinking how she wants her
Superman and Hercules and White Knight,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So it sounds very much on brand.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Is there an actor who's played all of this?
Is there an actor who's played, like,
Euclid and Superman and a knight?
You're reading into this a little bit too much.
Yes, but imagine if it's true.
It's the KSC, Colonel.
Come on, come on.
Don't stop her when she's having fun.
I swear the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning spreads the sea
I can swear there is someone somewhere watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the blood
I can feel his approach like a fire in the blood
And the fire in the blood
so what's this about the kfc colonel it's okay i started watching the video for the first time
and i swear to god 60 seconds into when you see the guy on the white first thing that came into
my mind was kfc i don't know why a guy in a white suit that's the first thing that came into my mind
so i pictured that this is the kfc colonel don't know why i can see that from uh had you had dinner
yet no uh lunch food on the mind i guess i feel like there's a metaphor or there's some sort of
symbolic meaning behind these colorful
webs. Why the heck would they be colorful?
It's probably just the 80s seeping through, to be
honest. They just needed something bright
to kind of see. Because the video is really dark.
They probably just needed something to be
able to recognize immediately.
And they went through, oh, it's the 80s.
It's half neon. I think it makes
perfect sense for cowboys who have clearly
teleported from the future to kill
Bonnie Taylor. You can't be from the future
and not have something futuristic. But the question
is, did they actually want to kill her? Because they
had guns well well yeah so were the whips that they were whipping around snapping around i'm doing
a very much wink wink here right now my brain went a very dark direction there and i was kind of like
i can i say that in the podcast i don't think i can i'm gonna wink at the microphone
i think the listeners will get the gist she's just so so thirsty and just it's fine let's just
accept the fact that a woman can be thirsty in the same way that Michael Bolton was thirsty in his
video but actually makes sense because I ran it for like solid 10 minutes on Say They Loved You how
the song is about to be about him being in love with this amazing woman but instead like all we saw
was his hairy chest and now it's the other way around she's thinking about wanting to find a man
and uh we see a lot of men and then the man shows up and it's great and she just stares at him while
she's on her knees.
Maybe that's what the evil cowboys
are meant to represent. They're all like
the potential suitors.
But they're all shite.
Because a lot of men are.
It's all a visual representation of
her trying to find a man who's not a wanker.
And then Mr. Whitehorse comes in
and he's like, yeah, I think that's a more
convincing idea of the concept
of the video than the Terminator one, unfortunately.
Which I'm quite annoyed about
because I was really quite married to that concept.
I don't know.
I think Terminator 1 has an angle.
By the way, I've just seen one of the cowboys.
This is the sort of person who's attacking her Bonnie.
Oh, wow.
That is a threatening moustache.
70s porn stars going on in there.
We call that porn star who looks like that guy.
Ron Jeremy.
Yeah, he looks like Ron Jeremy.
Yes, he does.
He really does.
I'm telling you guys it's just a wet dream.
It's fine.
Let's just accept that.
As far as wet dreams go, it's a pretty good one.
The first time when we actually see the white cowboy during the chase,
when he's chasing the other three cowboys.
So first you see the white horse.
And then there's three consecutive shots of his crotch only.
And this is not a joke.
And that will be an image you can all see on our Instagram page,
because I will publish it.
But it's literally just three shots of his crotch.
That doesn't make sense.
Like, it doesn't, you can't, he's not doing anything.
It's not like he's holding onto something in his hands.
Like, there's nothing going on.
It's just his crotch.
And it's very much like, why are we watching this?
It could be about a sort of PG.
What's the word I long for here?
Innuendo?
Yeah, kind of like a visual innuendo.
It's kind of like the video telling you what it's really about without saying it outright.
You know, the website kind of very much right there.
Should I make the chapter art just for the podcast?
Just three consecutive shots of his crotch just for each chapter.
So when people look at their phone when they listen to it,
all they see is crotch.
I have a technical question for Neil.
Dave, maybe you as well.
I know absolutely nothing about music videos.
I'm totally unqualified to be in this podcast.
I know absolutely everything about music videos.
That's a lie, but I can try.
So how did they do the shots in the dark with the whips?
I think they used what's called in the industry a camera.
What?
No.
Tell me more.
Was it the bit when she's in the bedroom?
Clearly, not her bedroom.
No, no, when it's only the cowboys in very, very dark environment
where the whips are very obvious when they whip them.
Snap.
Crack them?
Cracking a whip?
It's called that.
Cracking a whip.
Whacking a whip.
Yeah.
Yes.
Cracking a whip.
When they were cracking their whips.
Victory corner.
Probably, yeah.
They're probably just slow shutter or something like that.
They look blurry.
You're disappointing, Mignot.
I was hoping you're going to have this really cool theory
about how he shoots stuff like that.
Okay, I think they've covered the cowboys in UV paint.
Their accessories are glowing in the dark.
Like, they are glowing.
They're literally glowing in the dark.
And then they're flashing them with a burst of light.
I found another cowboy.
Oh, God, they look terrible.
I mean, there's nothing technical about it.
I've just looked at two minutes before,
where cowboys come out the door,
and they've done that thing where they fill the room with smoke,
and they've shown a blue light through it or something like that.
And once again, that's given me very 80s sort of semi-sci-fi movies like Terminator, for example.
Sort of vibes to it.
The whole thing has that kind of look to it.
The director of the video has like seven titles to his name.
I never actually checked them out.
Maybe that's kind of a thing he does.
Let's find out.
Let's have a wee, a couple of minutes break, everyone.
We're on this break.
This broad podcast is brought to you by Rosie Wayne in a cup.
Only the best.
Enjoy the rest.
I just realized that he actually has more work done as an editor.
Maybe he just had this vision.
We should explain because the video is surprisingly, actually.
Like, I mean, it's a bad video.
It's absolutely horrible video, but it's so good.
Like, I couldn't stop watching it over and over again.
Like, it's just stuff happening all the time.
And you have Bonnie Tyler with her amazing hair standing on top of a mountain.
You have random river shots, which make no sense at all.
And you have those Angelica, I guess, choir singer women.
They look like a bunch of clones of Bonnie Tyler.
They do, yeah.
That probably was by design.
There is also a callback to the Michael Bolton video.
It's another example of a singer just standing on top of a mountain,
shouting their feelings into the void.
So this lends credence to my theory that singers just do this from time to time.
From time to time.
They just journey to the Grand Canyon and listen to their own echo.
Are you trying to tell me that you never stood on top of a Monroe somewhere
and just shouting random stuff?
I think I actually have.
Yeah, I think so.
Come with me if you want to live.
I have a lot of thoughts about this video.
I think it's like genuinely my personal category of so bad it's good.
It's just all over the place.
It's so cheesy.
It's like ham and cheese sandwich that is just oozing out.
it's great, I just love it so much.
And the song is a banger,
and it just kind of makes you bang your fist in the air,
because it's so good, if that makes sense.
The thing about Ham and cheese sandwich is,
it may be basic, but you always enjoy it.
Yes, exactly.
It's like the lowest common denominator that everyone will enjoy,
and it's a really fucking good song.
Kind of like, makes you want to go and fight someone.
And I love the fact that there is some boomer attempt
that being kinky as well which kind of works also works also kind of doesn't work and it's great and
i love it and i guess we're supposed to think that bonnie tyler is really scared of the black cowboys
but we can't quite tell because she seems to really like them having being in the shot all the time and
she seems to be fantasizing about them a lot it's amazing i would love to see this in an actual like
movie nothing is good about this video nothing is like the editing is not amazing the the
cinematography is kind of mediocre the acting is cheesy and theatrical like too theatrical
but just kind of all of this works together and i really love it i feel ashamed for saying it because
it's i believe that's what people call this is like my top guilty pleasure of music videos and
i'm not sure if you're very guilty about it but still and one last point before you guys take over
Like every time when I see the choir of angelic ladies, like sporting their amazing hairs,
all I can think about is my parents' wedding photos from 1984, which is actually the same
year when I think about it.
It's just like prompt hairs.
It's just amazing.
It's just cheese.
It's just pure cheese.
And you just can't not take it at base value and accept how dumb it is and just love it
for what it is.
Someone take over because I can just keep on like pressing it
and I'll keep going for another hour or so.
Pretty much agree with Nellie on this.
It's pure cheese, but it's delivered in such an epic fashion
you can't help but enjoy it.
Kind of makes me want to know more about what the hell's going on here.
Either if we go for the Terminator Cowboys interpretation
or the Fifty Shades of Bonnie Tyler interpretation.
Either way, I would watch a feature-length version of it.
Just love the idea of this killer neon cowboys
mixed in with a KFC kernel and a wooden house
which just doesn't seem to burn down.
I don't know. I think the music and the whole vibe kind of matches everything it's going for.
And it's playful. It's fun. Doesn't try to be more than it needs to. Still leaves us with lots of
questions. But I think that isn't the bad thing to be left with. Favorite part, weirdest part,
I think, was the dancing deck quite at the right at the beginning. Dave, you said it was like evil
dead vibes. That was immediately what I got. The whole house is shaking and shouting and doing all
sorts of weird and wonderful stuff. I mean, the video itself is pretty good, but this bit just
made me laugh out loud um worst part was not getting to see uh colonel's face i think that's
a total sham my favorite part is pretty much the whole video to be honest but if i have to choose
something it will probably be the the dancing ladies just because it's a it's a really dumb
dance and it's really basic but they're just putting everything they have into it and i just
buy it whatever they're selling me i've got what they're having uh the worst part for me specifically
is the random river shots
they just don't make sense
and they're just a couple of shots
along the length of river
and it just kind of feels like
oh we had a helicopter
and there was a river
where we were shooting
so let's just shoot the river
I guess that makes sense
just like remove this
and give me more neon whips
and kinky cowboys please
so I think my favourite part of this video
is just Bonnie Tyler in general
because she's given a solid
100% of Yaldi here
she's not fucking about
she is going for it
and so is the choir
that Nelly just mentioned as well
terms of performance apart from maybe bowie and jagger this is probably the best we've seen so
far and the worst part this only applies if you're going with the terminator interpretation which
unfortunately i now think is the wrong one but oh well one minute 13 the terminator cowboys they
clearly had the drop on bonnie tyler there so i think someone needs to adjust to programming
or they're never going to stop her from leading the the uprising against the robots i mean come on
guys uh it's very much an eye for me yeah so it's an eye for me too yeah very strong eye here as well
tune in with us next time
when we will be reviewing
the video for Pale Shelter
by Tears for Fears
gotta be something
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